Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew
ABBOTT: I see you’re here for your Hebrew lesson.
COSTELLO: I’m ready to learn.
ABBOTT: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
COSTELLO: Sure, I understand.
ABBOTT: Now, don’t be too quick to say that.
COSTELLO: How stupid do you think I am - don’t answer that. It’s simple - some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don’t mean the same.
ABBOTT: Precisely.
COSTELLO: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
ABBOTT: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
COSTELLO: I didn’t come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.
ABBOTT: Fine. Let’s start with mee.
COSTELLO: You.
ABBOTT: No, mee.
COSTELLO: Fine, we’ll start with you.
ABBOTT: No, we’ll start with mee.
COSTELLO: Okay, have it your way.
ABBOTT: Now, mee is who.
COSTELLO: You is Abbott.
ABBOTT: No, no, no. Mee is who.
COSTELLO: You is Abbott.
ABBOTT: You don’t understand.
COSTELLO: I don’t understand? Did you just say me is who?
ABBOTT: Yes I did. Mee is who.
COSTELLO: You is Abbott.
ABBOTT: No, you misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
COSTELLO: Well, you’re a nice enough guy.
ABBOTT: No, no. Tell me about mee!
COSTELLO: Who?
ABBOTT: Precisely.
COSTELLO: Precisely what?
ABBOTT: Precisely who.
COSTELLO: It’s precisely whom!
ABBOTT: No, mee is who.
COSTELLO: Don’t start that again - go on to something else.
ABBOTT: All right. Hu is he.
COSTELLO: Who is he?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: I don’t know. Who is he?
ABBOTT: Sure you do. You just said it.
COSTELLO: I just said what?
ABBOTT: Hu is he.
COSTELLO: Who is he?
ABBOTT: Precisely.
COSTELLO: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
ABBOTT: No, precisely he.
COSTELLO: Precisely he? Who is he?
ABBOTT: Precisely!
COSTELLO: And what about me?
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: me, me, me!
ABBOTT: Who, who, who!
COSTELLO: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
ABBOTT: No, hu is he!
COSTELLO: I don’t know, maybe he is me!
ABBOTT: No, hee is she!
COSTELLO: (STARE AT ABBOTT) Do his parents know about this?
ABBOTT: About what?
COSTELLO: About her!
ABBOTT: What about her?
COSTELLO: That she is he!
ABBOTT: No, you’ve got it wrong - hee is she!
COSTELLO:’ Then who is he?
ABBOTT: Precisely!
COSTELLO: Who?
ABBOTT: He!
COSTELLO: Me?
ABBOTT: Who!
COSTELLO: He?
ABBOTT: She!
COSTELLO: Who is she?
ABBOTT: No, hu is he.
COSTELLO: I don’t care who is he, I want to know who is she?
ABBOTT: No, that’s not right.
COSTELLO: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it, and I know me.
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: Who?
ABBOTT: Precisely!
COSTELLO: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
ABBOTT: No, hee is she!
COSTELLO: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I’m trying to learn a little Hebrew, and now I can’t even speak English. Let me review.
ABBOTT: Go ahead.
COSTELLO: Now first You want to know me is who.
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And then you say who is he.
ABBOTT: Absolutely.
COSTELLO: And then you tell me he is she.
ABBOTT & COSTELLO: Precisely!
COSTELLO: Now look at this logically. If me is who, and who is he, and he is she, don’t it stand to reason that me is she?
ABBOTT: Who?
COSTELLO: She!
ABBOTT: That is he!
COSTELLO: Who is he?
ABBOTT & COSTELLO: Precisely!
COSTELLO: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!
ABBOTT: What.
COSTELLO: I said Ma.
ABBOTT: What.
COSTELLO: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
ABBOTT: What!
COSTELLO: Not what, who!
ABBOTT: He!
COSTELLO: Not he! Ma is not he!
ABBOTT: Of course not! Hu is he!
COSTELLO: I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t care. I don’t care hu is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog.
ABBOTT: Fish.
